Distraction

     I tend to get very distracted. I know I wrote in my last blog entry that I would try writing more, but I let myself get distracted by everything else. I worry that it feels like it’s an excuse not to write and I feel bad because of the people waiting for me to post. I mentioned that I have a hard time making decisions and that includes writing for my blog because it’s difficult to know what topics people are interested in and how I can make one topic different from the other. Sometimes I even wonder if making this blog is a good idea because I worry about keeping up with it. However, the truth is I get a lot of good feedback and it makes me feel good about myself as if this could lead to something.

     Not only does my distraction affect my blog writing, but it also affects other things. For example, I don’t like to talk about PSAT’s or remember how much of money I have in my bank account. I get really nervous about the future and I tell myself my distractions will help me relax and be focused more, but it leads to me being unprepared. I didn’t really think too much about this until I thought about writing it in my blog. People want to receive hope after reading my work, but I don’t see myself as an inspiration. I see myself as a regular person who would be nervous to talk to any of you in person, but I try to continue getting through life.

     I thought while I was being distracted that people would be mad at me for not posting, but I want to share what this blog means to me. This has been very helpful to me to express my feelings and I feel I’m getting better because of it. I want to be less distracted so I can focus on preparing for life after high school and I want to keep making posts. I will try to think of ideas and it might not be too long until I come up with one.

My Time

     Recently I have been feeling very busy. I got my learner’s permit so I’ve been taking a driving class with a driving instructor. I always worried that I would accidentally hurt someone while on the road, but it’s not that bad if you know to be safe. It’s difficult for me to back up or know when other cars are letting me go, but I’m reaching the right speed limits and hitting the breaks less often. Every time I drive I’m starting to feel like I can drive and get my license.

     I also got a job at Target. I’m working in Style, which means I’m putting the clothes where they belong. I had trouble with figuring out my hours because I said on my application that I could work at times between 11 and 6, but they thought that meant I could work seven hours. I got it changed to 12 to 5 and I’m not sure how I can ask for a day off when I can’t work, but I know I can figure it out. The same things goes for how much payment I receive. Work is work, but the employees are nice and it keeps me busy, which makes it feel rewarding when I get to relax afterward.

     I understand it’s been a while since I’ve written, but I believe I can manage my new responsibilities and continue to write my blog now that I’m more in order than I was before.

Making Decisions

"Activity For You" app by Marisa Gaffney

Hello again. Everybody has at least one thing they feel they can’t stop being afraid of and for me it’s making decisions. It can be decisions about anything.

For example, I do not have many favorites. There are some, but if I was asked my favorite movie or song I would get nervous and say I like a lot of them. I do that because I’m afraid what I answer will be set in stone and I’m not sure if I can be committed.

In a coding class I took during the summer, we were supposed to come up with an idea for an app that would be helpful. For me I wanted to build an app that would assure me I was making the right decision about what the ideal activity would be for me to do. The way it works is you enter information about your personality, location, time and budget and it would come up with the one ideal activity so you’d never have to make a choice and you could do the activity feeling confident about your choice.

A big decision coming up is what I’m going to do with my life after high school. I don’t know what college I want to go to or what career I want. I know I still have time to figure it out, but I keep getting less time as things go on. If I pick something and it turns out to be the wrong thing for me then I’ll have start from scratch again to get back up, but that could be wrong as well. I’m interested in writing, computers, and photography, but I don’t know if I can truly like it by devoting my whole life to it. Everyone wants to me to have something planned, but I don’t.

Lately, whenever I try to relax about making decisions I feel like someone’s expecting me to be working and I worry about letting them down, which makes me stressed instead. I’ve been having nightmares about it and it leads to me waking up crying. That’s why I want to be less scared though. I’ll always be afraid, but if I become more confident in other things I’ll believe I’m getting closer to not being afraid all the time. My family is there to help me so I need to be there to help myself. I want to go to college, I want to get a job, and I want to have a career so even if it’s scary I need to not let it stop me in life and start making decisions.

Action and Reaction

I am going to talk about my behavior towards people. I’m always shy so I can never voice my opinion because even the slightest amount of criticism can hurt my feelings. It makes me jump to the conclusion that everything is wrong with me. I’ve tried being funny, saying things I heard on TV and my own stuff, but sometimes I can come of as sassy which gives people the wrong idea.

I now feel like people expect little out of me when it comes to being nice. I do get bored and complain, but I’m trying not to because I want to put whatever they think of me behind me. However, I still don’t feel safe since I wonder if people are watching me and thinking I’m being rude or inappropriate because I don’t enjoy what’s going on. There’s a possibility that they don’t think that, but I’m waiting to get yelled at instead of calming down. I try giving out more compliments and taking an interest in other people’s lives in order to be nice. Except, I’m not interested in hearing about things I don’t know. I mostly like to wait until it’s something I do know about and then I turn it into a whole discussion.

I also have a little anger since I want people to be unhappy when they make me do things I don’t want to do, but I know that’s wrong. For a long time because of my actions I have been feeling very stupid. I’ve hurt some people and thought I wouldn’t have had problems with them if I wasn’t so mean. It feels though that those people deserve to feel pain because they are doing something wrong, and they need to feel how it is when it is done to them. At least that’s what I think while I’m doing it.

There’s nothing I can do, but move forward. I can speak up knowing I’m entitled to my opinion. I can learn to listen to what people like that I don’t, and I can try to control my anger issues. Hopefully, I can get people to understand that I want to change, but I’ll have to do it by being more confident and kind, which is what I’m planning to do.

Synesthesia

I think a certain color when it comes to letters and numbers. For example, the letter A is red and B is brown. The number 5 is blue and 8 is purple. I didn’t know there was a name for it until my doctor told me that I have synesthesia. It is basically a doubling of your senses. There are other kinds of ways to have synesthesia as some people can see music, but colors are it for me. The main letters of a word can even fill up the entire word with one color. For weekdays, Tuesday is orange and Wednesday is green, but some words have multiple colors. For the word eat, E is green, A is red, and T is black.

Some people are fascinated by this. For me though it has always been natural. I didn’t even realize not all people think like this. When someone mentions a letter or number I don’t think about the color because if I did then I would never be able to catch up on what anyone was saying. I have to think the letter or number myself for it to work.

Other people who have synesthesia might not have the same colors as me. I’ve had the same colors for as long as I could remember. I didn’t choose the color because they always felt like the right ones and there are some letters that don’t even have colors such as C and R. Some letters slipped under the surface and now it feels odd suddenly thinking of a color for them.

I wouldn’t go as far to say my synesthesia is a superpower because those are meant to benefit the world. However, it might lead to me doing something great. Maybe not save the Earth from doom, but something that will help someone, somehow.

Perfection

Hello. Marisa Gaffney speaking again. The first topic about my autism I want to bring up is how I can freak out when things aren’t exactly perfect. If something I own even has the slightest scratch I try take make it fit, but then I can end up making more scratches. I ask people for reassurance if something will be okay and I already know they’re going to say yes, but I feel I kind of bug them into saying it because I need to hear it. I know that not everything can be perfect, but it disappoints me when I think I can keep something good and it turns out I can’t.

I have several examples to share of what I mean. When I was younger I paid attention to how my toys didn’t look as perfect as they did when I got them and it made me wish I had been more careful. I get comfortable in one seat, but then no other seat can make me comfy so I always have to have my seat. I’m not like that outside home, but I keep control in the house when I can. I count on myself to do great on school tests, but even though I’m not as upset if I get a few wrong answers I get very upset when I get one answer wrong. It’s constantly on my mind how I could have been perfect if I got that one answer right. One time I was crying non-stop for hours.

When I think back on these examples, it can feel a little pathetic to me because it comes up in my mind once in a while. I understand it will affect my life if I keep thinking that way so I have to think about how it’s not that bad. I’ve heard scars have history and it can be really interesting how a scratch can tell a story. It might make the thing it cut more pretty looking. Most importantly, I feel better about myself when I think that way and that does feel perfect.

A Peek Inside: The Beginning

Hello. My name is Marisa Gaffney. I am 16 years old, I have red hair, I have green eyes, and I have autism. I have come to understand that I have a different point of view on things than most people and that is because the autism makes me experience and think about things in my own way. 

There are certain things about autism that make me feel proud of having it, but there are other things about me that leave stressed. For example, I freak out when something isn’t exactly perfect and it takes a while for me to follow instructions. I am good at instructions though once I do figure it out. More on those things later.

My mom thought making this blog could be good for me because I get to express myself and share who I am with people who are like me. I think it can be good idea and I’d feel happy if what I say might help someone. My autism makes things a little harder, but I try to get better how I can and with understanding things have gotten better.