Perfection

Hello. Marisa Gaffney speaking again. The first topic about my autism I want to bring up is how I can freak out when things aren’t exactly perfect. If something I own even has the slightest scratch I try take make it fit, but then I can end up making more scratches. I ask people for reassurance if something will be okay and I already know they’re going to say yes, but I feel I kind of bug them into saying it because I need to hear it. I know that not everything can be perfect, but it disappoints me when I think I can keep something good and it turns out I can’t.

I have several examples to share of what I mean. When I was younger I paid attention to how my toys didn’t look as perfect as they did when I got them and it made me wish I had been more careful. I get comfortable in one seat, but then no other seat can make me comfy so I always have to have my seat. I’m not like that outside home, but I keep control in the house when I can. I count on myself to do great on school tests, but even though I’m not as upset if I get a few wrong answers I get very upset when I get one answer wrong. It’s constantly on my mind how I could have been perfect if I got that one answer right. One time I was crying non-stop for hours.

When I think back on these examples, it can feel a little pathetic to me because it comes up in my mind once in a while. I understand it will affect my life if I keep thinking that way so I have to think about how it’s not that bad. I’ve heard scars have history and it can be really interesting how a scratch can tell a story. It might make the thing it cut more pretty looking. Most importantly, I feel better about myself when I think that way and that does feel perfect.