My Fault

I have a hard time admitting that things are my fault. When people get upset with me, I tell them that there were things they could have done to prevent something from happening. I don’t like feeling completely responsible for something bad. Like sometimes I forget to do something because I prefer thinking about something else. Maybe I’m worried I’ll be told to stop daydreaming. It’s hard for me though because there is other stuff I really don’t like thinking about or actually doing.

There are things I do take responsibility for, such as the mistakes I made when I was a kid. I wonder though if those mistakes count because I didn’t know what I was doing back then. I also take responsibility now by doing chores around the house. I don’t like hearing anything about me being lazy, because while it was kind of true, it bothered me a bit that I could be wrong. Another example is when I get into arguments with people, I wonder if they are right and that’s it my fault for not seeing things their way.

I know no one is perfect, but I still feel like there’s something wrong with me if there are things I can’t do well that others can. I need to be realistic though and learn from my mistakes so I’ll stop making them. If something’s my fault I need to accept it and move on. I have to so I can realize that a mistake is a mistake and that there is nothing wrong with me overall.

Boston College

This summer I went to camp for a week at Boston College from July 21 to July 26. It was supposed to help me get a taste of college life before I went to college. I was hoping it would be helpful in making decisions for my future.

The place was okay. The first few days we had meetings and they were about stuff I kind of already know such as relationships and being healthy. There were fun things like we went bowling on Wednesday and did an escape room on Thursday, but because the meetings were at the same rooms, I was already tired of being in the same place I’d been at all week.

I felt uncomfortable sleeping in a high bed in my dorm room and worried I would fall off until I got used to it, but the bed sheets weren’t enough and it left me cold so I had to get more. The food was nice. I tried eating different things, but it was hard to choose from their menu when they didn’t have every kind of breakfast and I am a picky eater. I don’t need too much lunch so I had chips and dinner consisted of pizza, burgers, and chicken. I one time walked to a restaurant that wasn’t far from the college by myself and I felt good about it.

My roommate was a very nice girl and we had stuff to talk about. She already knew she was going to college in the fall. The other girls at camp were older or were working there. The boys I didn’t spend much time with because they didn’t look like cared or that they wanted to do other things.

The people at the camp at Boston College were on the spectrum like me. They mostly seemed typical, but there were things that made them different that stood out to me. It’s hard to find friends when at times you’re too "on the spectrum" to be normal and too normal to be "on the spectrum." The people working there were really nice and supportive so I did enjoy being around them.

There were different things we got to practice to prepare for college. I didn’t get to learn to do the laundry because I got a bag to put my dirty clothes in while I was on trips. That’s one example I can think of for how I’m worried there’s still stuff I haven’t prepared for. The college camp was an experience for me and it gave me an idea of things I want to learn to do. I didn’t figure everything out there, but it helped get me further and I would recommend people to go if they wanted to go.

Acting

     I don’t desire to be in a movie, a TV show, or even a play, but I do think acting can be fun. I have a difficulty thinking of the right words to say generally, but with acting everything is written out for me. My shyness can stop me from talking to people to avoid sounding stupid. Except I regret not trying to start a conversation. Through acting I feel confident in myself and am able to make myself noticeable.

     For example, my English teacher had the class read an assigned book together out loud. My teacher really liked how well I read because I imagined how the characters would sound and spoke like them with their emotions. Another example is that I briefly took some acting classes in Boston. We were instructed to speak lines from scenes and because I know exactly what to say and how to feel I believed I did a good performance even before the teacher could tell me I did.

     Also, acting helps me practice how to talk to people. That is why occasionally I like to practice it even though I don’t expect to become famous or make a career out of it. Acting helps with my speech and it gives me ideas of things I should say. I feel better about myself and am encouraged to say what’s on my mind the next time I have the chance.

School Assignments

     

     School can be pretty tricky at times with my autism, especially when it comes to assignments. For example, I can have a hard time figuring out exactly what a teacher is trying to assign. When they talk to the whole class I can miss key parts of what I am supposed to do because I don’t hear all of what they are saying. I can also get a little distracted sometimes if I’m either tired, bored, or wanting to be somewhere else. When I am distracted I miss a few things.

     I get another teacher in class to help me if I need it when there is one available. The assignments on papers can mean different things to me so I ask the other teacher to clarify it. I like it when the teachers talk to me so I understand them best, which can mean talking slowly or repeating things.

     I feel it is better for me if things are explained simpler. I used to get low grades in one of my classes because I didn’t understand how much I had to write about the answer. At first the teacher told me I wasn’t writing enough. On the next test I wrote as much as I possibly could. The teacher realized the questions needed to be separated to give me the right size of empty space for the amount of a response I needed. This approach helped improve my grades.

     Also, when I have trouble understanding I then start to worry, which adds to the problem. When a grade isn’t as great as it could be I worry about what I am doing wrong. I know that I need to pay attention and work hard to get good grades, but I can use extra help when I get anxious about finishing my work and figuring out how to do it.

     Sometimes I wonder if I’m being treated too easily compared to other students. I want to be able to face challenges, but my autism creates a need to take more time to realize and process stuff. I don’t want my autism to define me, but I accept that it’s a part of me so I can both work hard and get extra help to pass school assignments and reach my goals.

Pacing

Many people pace when they are anxious because moving helps them relieve stress. Some people don’t even realize why they are doing it. I don’t pace because I’m nervous. I pace because I like it.

When I pace I like to think about things that make me happy, but I won’t say what it is because it feels better for it be my own private thing. I put my headphones on so I can walk around and listen to music, but it feels awkward if someone is watching me. That’s why I only do it when no one is home or I’m in my room. I also wait for when someone is going into another room and won’t be back for a while. 

I think I might pace sometimes when I’m nervous because I want to take a break from the stress of life by going to my happy place. It reminds me that things will okay even if they don’t seem that way.

Sometimes pacing works when I’m bored and other times it doesn’t. It either kills time or makes me tired. I feel good when I pace for fun and that’s why I do it almost every day. I look forward to when I can do it again.

Even vs. Odd Numbers

I like even numbers better than odd numbers.

EVEN NUMBERS ARE PRETTIER AND SOUND BETTER
I think numbers like 2, 4, and 6 are prettier and sound better than 3, 5, and 7. When I count with odd numbers I feel bad that one number is left out while the others have a pair.

MATH CLASS
I struggle in math class because it’s hard for me to take notes and pay attention at the same time. I was told when I was little that for even numbers the last number for every equation always ends in 2, 4, 6, 8, or 0. I use it to help me with math problems, but I wasn’t told that with odd numbers, so to me 3, 5, 7, and 9 sound different. Meaning odd numbers feels like a new topic rather than something familiar. I also don’t like how when I divide numbers there are some that are left with a remainder because then the equation doesn’t feel neat and complete. Remainders feel like more work and they make math class much harder.

HOW I PLAY WITH NUMBERS
Sometimes when I am lying in my bed I count the tiles on the ceiling or when I am walking I count the tiles on the floor. There might not be anything else to do, so playing with the tiles is an interesting game for me. When I do this I like to skip each tile and hope they end on an even number. If it didn’t have an even number, then I would check to see if the tile at the end was smaller than the others and not count it so it would be even. If there is no small tile, I accept it because games are fun if there’s a possibility of winning or losing.

CONCLUSION
I really don’t have anything against odd numbers, I simply prefer even numbers when given the choice. Even numbers make me feel better because they work out more nicely and give me a sense of satisfaction and control.

Expectations

     I have planted it in my head that there are certain occasions that have to be perfect. People make a big deal about holidays and birthdays, which I had believed meant I was supposed to happy throughout those days and nothing could wrong. However, that only meant I would get stressed by having to make those days perfect, and I am relieved when it’s the day after. For example, on birthdays supposedly nothing will annoy me and I will have a nice party with cake and presents. I can’t control what will come to annoy me though and people keep asking me what I want for presents, which is hard for me because I don’t ask for much. That’s a topic for another time. It’s the same thing with Christmas. I know it’s not what they’re all about, but it feels right because it’s usually traditional to have presents on Christmas and birthdays.
     I also expect places to look how I picture them in my head because people described them as being so nice. I have a fantasy world where I see all the details of places, and I’d expect every one of those details to be the same when I actually see the place. For example, I will imagine red bricks on a wall in a building I am going to be inside. If the building doesn’t actually have red brick walls when I get there, I’m a little disappointed to see it looks different. Another example is vacations. I see advertisements with clear and bright blue skies, and if I arrive and see some dark clouds, it feels like a lie.
     I know perfectly accurate expectations aren’t possible, but I like to hope they will be. I realize I need to understand reality and opinions are two different things. My problem is learning to hear about something and not build a picture of it so beautiful that it can’t actually exist. Beginning to balance the description of things with the actuality of them is a very difficult task. However, if I learn to not expect too much then I can find the enjoyment of something in my own way. My goal is to check things out myself so I can have more realistic expectations and it will make it much easier to have fun with seeing places, examining things, and participating in celebrations.